Finding God at CarMax
Yesterday I wrote a sarcastic peice highlighting the irony of recent circumstances in my life. In December I signed up for a manifestation course seemingly centered around changing limiting beliefs through theta meditations. Around that same time, I was in an ill-fated car accident which led to the loss of my car. I knew I was extremely lucky to walk away with some whip lash and nothing more, and at the same time, I was devastated about the loss of my first car which I drove for eleven years. That car felt like an additional limb. It was a part of me that I knew all too well, a part of me that I had loved, forgiven, and said goodbye to long ago. She (the car) was an extension of me that I was more than ready to get rid of while also wanting to hang onto forever.
The mourning of my lost car was met with apprehensive excitement about finding a new car. I must say that finding a new car during a pandemic/ democratic upheaval was “interesting.” I lost my jobs in the pandemic and am currently on unemployment. I felt unbelievably lucky to have my parent’s support and help in finding a new car. That being said, here is what I don’t want to admit: I also felt very disappointed by the reality that I had few car options and would be paying for it for years. This was not the fantasy I imagined when I “manifested” my new car in the manifestation course I had signed up for.
I felt deep shame for the negative feelings I was experiencing during a time when people cannot put food on their plates. I initially looked at myself with disgust. However, I knew that harboring these feelings would only lead to resentments, so I got real with myself. I faced the truth that I felt “less than” for needing my parent’s help, scared about my financial situation, and angry about the mass human suffering occurring in our nation and across the globe. This car loss situation showed me in yet another way how God, Source, Divine, Universe can work in our lives (keep reading.)
In all honesty I was starting to feel like an ungrateful loser, and that is an exhausting way to live! After enough internal suffering I decided to surrender and love myself for all of my humanness, selfishness and all. I had to remind myself that all of my feelings made sense and that I can experience my own natural emotions while still feeling grateful for all that I have. Not acknowledging all that we feel under the surface is what can lead to some real damage.
After days of tension and incessant research, Pops and I decided to head to CarMax. It was clear we were both exhausted and had fully let go to the process. Once this coming together in surrender occurred, I felt a deep calm wash over us. There was a peace between us, the drive over was soothing, sun on my face and blue skies above. Three hawks flew over our car, so we knew we were on the right path.
Upon our approach to the store’s outdoor check-in, we were met by Janice, our angel from up above. She met us with a smile that said, “don’t worry, you are safe now.” I am convinced she was sent to us to guide us through. She had an unconditionally loving smile and a bright light all around her face. She greeted us like she had been waiting for us all day. Janice is a soul that can see the beauty in everything. We let her lead the way and take care of us and she couldn’t have been happier to do so. She took us in as her own and sent us off smiling. Janice later messaged us both to say that it was a blessing to help us find my new car, and I knew she truly believed that. Taking a look at the world through Janice’s eyes made me feel like the luckiest girl alive. There is truly brilliance all around us, we just need the inspiration to open up enough to see it. Janice brought us out of our darkness of worry back into the light of love and truth.
I think it is important to be rigorously honest about my experience and to share my humanness with you. I have noticed that there is a lot of shame surrounding our human reactions and maybe we can unburden ourselves of some of that. Just because we want good things for ourselves doesn’t mean we feel any less bad for those who are suffering. I have felt pointless guilt in the past for wanting to be successful financially. A healer I worked with used to say, “Can’t you help more people if you have enough money to give back?” I thought that was a good point. Many clients I see have shame for wanting to be truly happy. This is common, which is surprising. Shame holds the lowest frequency energetically and joy holds the highest frequency. The world needs us to increase our frequency and bring in more light and love which means more peace, cooperation, inclusion, etc. Parents say they want their children to have it all, the moon, the sun, and the sky. If we are Mother Nature’s/God’s children, then I have no doubt that they want us all to enjoy life and feel safe and comfortable.
The totality of this whole experience is better than what I wanted to manifest. I learned so much, grew my relationship with my father, got to be in the presence of true love with Janice, and got a car I actually love! Source seems to work in ways we least expect.